


everyone must breathe until their dying breath

by greitnok



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M, and even is a sweetheart, but they find each other, the first chapter is Even’s POV, the second chapter is Isak’s POV, this is kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-21 20:30:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14292843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greitnok/pseuds/greitnok
Summary: ‘I have a boyfriend.’ said the boy again like a broken record, even in his intoxicated state.‘You know I heard it too when you first said it.’OR, Isak’s mourning for his deceased boyfriend and timing is always a bitch until it’s not.





	1. Even

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by evaesheim on twitter and loosely based on My Sassy Girl (2001)
> 
> The prompt was: AU where isak's boyfriend dies and he keeps texting him everyday. one day, the number gets changed to even's #

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve waited all my life, without knowing what I was waiting for.

 

Have you ever seen someone and wanted to get close to him? It doesn’t make any sense, you can’t even explain it to yourself, you just feel a connection. Everything started because of this.

 

  

**I.**

 

 _This is how it works_  
_It feels a little worse_  
_Than when we drove our hearse_  
_Right through that screaming crowd_

 

  

**August, 2018**

Even was on his way back home when he spotted a drunk blond who’s been crossing the waiting line way far ahead with his head falling down towards the rails at the tram station. Apparently no one but Even noticed or cared enough to stop the boy before he’s gotten himself killed, so Even approached and pulled the boy back by his arms.

’Hey! I have a boyfriend.’ was the first words Even got from the boy.

’Mhm what?’ 

‘I said I have a boyfriend. Let go off me.’ said the boy finally paying a look at Even with venom in his voice. Even immediately let go.

’Chill, man. I’m just trying to keep you from getting yourself crashed. You’re wasted.’ said Even, holding his hands up in surrender. The boy gave him another suspicious look but didn’t answer and let his head fall down again.

 Even didn’t know what to do. Back away and let it be or be ‘the creep’ and watch over him? Why was he this drunk and alone? In the end he didn’t have to decide. The sounds of tram arriving at the station startled both of them.

 

***

 

The tram ride was a different story. Even couldn’t help but watch him across the tram, him trying to stand tall and occasionally dropping his head, so Even knew the exact moment the boy was gonna puke all over a passenger. He couldn’t do anything. What Even didn’t know was, on the other hand, why the hell the boy pointed him and said ‘my boyfriend’ just before puking all over a lady, now-glancing-very-angry-looks-at-Even lady.

’Clear this mess’ she yelled. Even tore an empty page off his sketchbook and tried wiping off the vomit of her clothes. 

‘Teenagers, I swear to God..Stop, stop. Just help your boyfriend.’ said the lady, pointing at the ground with her head.

Even upped the boy who was dozing off on the ground and got them off the tram at the next stop before the lady’s distress killed them both. It surely could have.

’You’re not my boyfriend.’ said the boy again, looking over Even who’s been carrying him aimlessly on the street.

’Look who’s come back to life! Where do you live? Is there someone I can call?’

‘I have a boyfriend.’ said the boy again like a broken record, even in his intoxicated state.

‘You know I heard it too when you first said it.’

’I..I have to go ba..’ and the boy puked again all over Even’s shoes. Of course he did.

Even figured not long later he wasn’t gonna get a coherent answer from the boy and his mobile was dead. He had no choice, other than dropping him off to his own devices in a park, but take the boy with him home while half of his weight on Even. Luckily enough it wasn’t a long journey. Even has lived now for a year in a one-bedroom flat, taking a gap year, being the charming barista at KB and just getting by. Today was probably one of his most eventful days in a year. 

He studied the boy’s face. Jeez, he was beautiful now sleeping peacefully on Even’s shoulder. Points for Even not letting this beauty go to waste. But his eyes were sad, when they were open at the station. Even wondered what made the boy want to drown his sorrows. Maybe he would get an answer in the morning.

 

***

 

He didn’t get an answer in the morning. The boy shouted who the hell was he and where the fuck were they and all those kind of questions. Even made him drink a glass of water and tried to explain how much of a mess he was last night and how much trouble he’s caused. He didn’t expect an award but he surely was expecting some thanks. The ungrateful boy wasn’t giving any.

’I have to go to hospital.’ said the boy, standing up.

’Your hangover that bad?’ asked Even, confused.

’What?’

’What?’

’Look, mate. I’m sure you’re great and all but I have a boy-‘

’Gosh, if I hear you say that one more time!’ Even couldn’t help yelling defiantly.

The boy laughed. He laughed and turned around and left in a hurry. He didn’t even thank Even but it didn’t matter anymore because Even heard his laugh. What he would do to hear that laugh again but apparently the nameless boy had a boyfriend.

 

 

 

**II.**

 

 _While we were on our knees_  
_Praying that disease_  
_Would leave the ones we love_  
_And never come again_

 

  

**April, 2020**

Funnily enough, the next time Even crosses paths with the boy at a market and hears his laugh, he doesn’t approach.

‘Yeah, I got it. Coming now. Do you want a mascara too?’ says the boy on the phone and laughs. Gosh, that laugh. The boy gets a six pack of beer from the aisle standing in front of and then leaves. Even keeps staring from a distance.

 If only he weren’t afraid of reaching up to people now. He’s gotten through a bad episode recently and his then-girlfriend couldn’t take it anymore in her own words. He fell behind his studies and had to take a break for a while. Luck never was on his side. Whatever. He could always lean on his friends, though. They’d crawled back their places after bad times in Bakka. They were Even’s rock. Especially Elias. That was probably why he agreed in the first place that Elias would set him up with someone at this party. ‘He’s just your type, man. He’s cool.’ had said Elias and Even let him play matchmaker on him. Now thinking he can’t even go and talk to the boy he’s been crushing over for years stupidly, he realises he can’t go to the party and charm the boy Elias thought was his match. He’s such a mess. He shoots an excuse to Elias, leaves the market empty-handed and walks over home instead. It’s another grey day.

 

 

 

**III.**

 

 _This is how it works_  
_You're young until you're not_  
_You love until you don't_  
_You try until you can't_  
_You laugh until you cry_  
_You cry until you laugh_  
_And everyone must breathe_  
_Until their dying breath_

 

 

**September, 2020**

Even feels like he’s invading someone’s privacy when he reads the text this morning. He prepares his lunch pack and goes to his lectures but seems like he can’t shake the text out of his mind. So he does the next best thing he can think of and he answers.

 

**Unknown Number**

**09.53**

 

It’s been two years today

I thought I was doing okay, I WAS doing okay I was writing you less this year, I was meeting new people and living my life just like I promised you but I went to see your mom this morning, we just hugged and cried

I’m not doing okay, I just miss you

And I’m not a brave boy once you brought the best of anymore

Do you know I still can’t bring myself to visit your grave? Your mom asked me to and I said no. God I’m such a coward. Jonas says I should let you go

I know this is what you want too

I just don’t know how

 

**16.15**

 

This is Even. I’m so sorry for your loss. 

I thought I was good with words but I really don’t know what else to say right now. 

I’m a good listener, tho if you want to talk to a stranger with no judgmental remarks

It may help

 

He doesn’t get an answer and it doesn’t surprise him. He goes to bed wishing all the best in the world for this boy. His mom always said he’s got such a caring heart, he sighs a relief when he wakes up to another text.

 

**03.11**

 

Your text made me cry

This crying act turning to a thing now I guess

Not your text but the fact that his mobile company gave his number away

It’s just like all his marks in the world fading away and I can’t help it

I googled if I can sue but apparently all of this is legal

So don’t worry you’re safe

 

**08.26**

 

I’ll let you know one of my best friends studying law

So I’m always safe

 

It becomes a thing. Texting, banter and opening up, it becomes a thing he does with Isak, the boy.

He learns Isak is a student too, even younger than himself. He learns he’s grumpy as fuck before getting his morning coffee, even through texts. He learns he finds Even’s movie taste ‘some pretentious shit’ 

He learns heavy stuff too. Isak doesn’t ever mention his name but one day he tells his boyfriend died of leukaemia and his last days were hell with all the chemotherapy, suffering and such. He tells how he helped him out of closet and become his true self during his high school years. He tells whatever it turned out in the end, Isak will always be grateful he had met him. Even feels his pain.

He shares a lot too. He somehow finds it easy, opening up to this boy he’s never met. He gathers up all his courage one day and says he’s bipolar, talks a bit about his bad times. Isak asks if he’s doing okay now. And that’s just about it on the matter. Even will always be grateful he met Isak, there’s no doubt.

 

***

 

He realises he fell in love with Isak, a month in. It’s ridiculous because he doesn’t even know any personal details about him. He doesn’t know where he lives in Oslo or what he studies. He just guesses some nerdy stuff if the memes Even keeps getting from Isak anything to rely on. Jeez, he can’t believe he fell in love with this boy with such a bad taste. ‘But did you laugh, Even?’ asks Isak always. And yes Even did, he always does.

He doesn’t even know what Isak looks like but he knows he’s in love when he rejects Elias’ attempts on setting him up once again. Apparently that boy who’s Sana’s friend is just Even’s type and he’s very single at the time being but Even’s heart just goes Isak, Isak, Isak. He doesn’t even give an excuse to Elias this time.

 

***

 

**Isak**

**18.18**

 

What are you doing this evening?

Chilling at home

Why? What are you doing?

I might go to that kebab house I told you about last week

But my friends bailed on me and I don’t want to eat alone like a loser

On the other hand, that kebab is worth being a loser over

So I don’t know

But kebab there tastes like heaven, I’m telling you

Gosh Even

you really are a loser

and not at all subtle

Just tell me if you wanna meet up

In fifteen?

 

Even can’t seem to erase that stupid smile off his face all the way to the kebab house and that smile turns into a laugh when Isak shows up and Even recognises who he is. 

‘You didn’t even thank me after all the trouble you got me in!’ teases Even, enthusiastically which makes Isak roll his eyes.

’Shut up and eat your kebab, Even.’

’Promise you won’t throw up all over my shoes this time?’

Isak rolls his eyes even harder but he holds Even’s wrist and thanks him for the day when they part ways.

 

***

 

It becomes another thing. All the teasing, coffee dates, late night walks. Isak makes Even feel twelve all over again. Even can’t explain any other way his heartbeat raising when they held hands or his heart stopping pumping blood when Isak kissed his cheek for the first time. Isak makes Even feel the luckiest and luck was never on Even’s side before. Maybe that’s why he knows something’s wrong when he’s gotten a text from Isak saying ‘Let’s meet in our park, I got beer.’ Even just knows.

When he met Isak in the park, they drink and talk about Even’s film project. He knows Isak is walking around the subject, maybe he needs more liquid courage. He lets him.

’I saw him in my dream today.’ says Isak after they’ve finished their beers and Even knows who he is talking about. ‘He smiled at me, said he’s proud of me and he’s happy I’m happy.’ He looks over Even so Even nods.

’You know I’m happy right? I’m the happiest in years because of you.’ He brings his right hand over Even’s cheek and caresses the spot. It burns.

’It feels like I can breathe again. With you by my side.’ Even nods again, he’s waiting for a ‘but’ Isak comes close and brings their lips together. It’s bittersweet.

’But I think I’m not ready and I don’t know when I will be it’s not fair on you.’

’I can wait, Isak. I’m not going anywhere. Just ask me to wait and I will. This feels just right, I know you feel it too. I can wait for this. For you. Just tell me to’ 

‘Do you have your sketchbook with you?’ asks Isak instead.

’Always.’

’Then we’ll write a letter to each other now, put it in our beer cans and bury under this very tree. Then we’ll come back another time, read the letters together. I will be ready then.’

’When?’

’How does it sound, June 21st, 2121 at 21.21?’

’It’s a date in such harmony.’ 

‘It’s my birthday.’

’Okay then.’ answers Even and takes his sketchbook off his backpack. ‘Beer cans, huh? Always the romantic.’

’Shut up.’

It doesn’t take long, Isak’s letter. He puts it in his beer can and then digs a hole for the cans under the tree. 

‘Okay, I’m done. What are you still writing?’

’I said when we first texted I was good with words. Okay, I’m done too.’ They bury the cans and cover the hole with soil again. 

‘Don’t you dare forget this tree!’ teases Isak.

’I guess you’ll have to wait and see.’ They kiss again and Even tastes hope this time. It’s so much better.

 

***

 

Even doesn’t forget the tree but Isak doesn’t show up. He waits for an hour then digs the ground to read his letter, alone.

 

Dear, Even

If I’m with you now, you should know you might get in trouble in this very public place because I’m probably about to get on you after all this time. Brace yourself.

And if I’m not with you, please do know you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You saved me Even, twice. How many times you can save someone? I’m probably still not ready if I didn’t show up and it’s not fair to you. I have to pull myself together, by myself. I can’t drag you down with me. You deserve all the good things in the world. I’m sorry I’m not one of them.

Love you always, Isak

 

**Isak <3**

**22.37**

 

I’d wait forever if you asked me to

_**Not delivered** _

 

 

 

**IV.**

 

 _Walking arm in arm_  
_You hope it don't get harmed_  
_But even if it does_  
_You'll just do it all again_

 

 

**February, 2022**

Even’s doing fine. He’s gotten himself a fairly good job for a newly gratuated, he doesn’t seem to have many grey days any longer, he just turned back from a ski holiday with his friends and it’s his birthday so he’s doing just fine. Thank you very much. That’s probably why he agreed to meet Elias, his friend Eskild and their and Sana’s friend. Whoever he is. This time when Elias asked, he didn’t give any excuses. Let’s just get this over with. And in a fancy dinner? Count Even in.

After Isak, he didn’t do much of dating. He waited for Isak and focused on his graduation first and when Isak didn’t show up he just let it be. So going on a date after a whole year feels like a new adventure. He just hopes Elias really does know his type as he claimed.

When he opens the door to the restaurant and sees Elias, Eskild and a blond boy waiting for him, he gasps. Isak. His Isak. Waiting for him. Elias waves him over and once Isak’s eyes fell over him, he smiles like the sun.

Even knows. Even knows Isak is ready this time. He can feel it in his bones it’s not only not a grey day but it’s a very very sunny day despite the streets in white outside. Even steps in.

 

***

 

Have you ever seen someone and wanted to get close to him? It doesn’t make any sense, you can’t even explain it to yourself, you just feel a connection. Everything started because of this.

Yes Isak, you can count on that feeling I’d even bothered with your drunken ass in the first place. Or I would call the police instead of taking care of you myself. Okay, let’s be real I would’ve taken care of anyone in that state, but anyway you know you’re special. 

I hope you’re rolling your eyes at me right now, because I’m aware there’s a huge chance you won’t even show up. I would take anything over that. And I should warn you this is about to get sappy so please stop reading before I embarrass myself and come give me a kiss.

Isak, the man of my life, if you don’t show up but someday come to read your letter, you should know you didn’t disappoint me, you never would. My mom always says I’m the most caring soul in the world. She’s wrong. You are. And you don’t even know how unique you are. I would remind you of this every single day if you let me. But it doesn’t matter because I know we’re together in one of your other universes. Maybe all of them but this. Parallel universes. They don’t scare me anymore. Dreaming of different scenarios, I guess they grew on me. I think I get you now. Or maybe you made me a nerd just like you.

You said I made you happy, the happiest. I’ll live thinking that, I’ll lock those words in the safest place in my mind just to be able to keep remembering. It feels like a privilege. And you once said I was the best thing that’s ever happened to you. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me as well. I stood no chance but fell for you.

Yours, Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from ‘On the Radio’ by Regina Spektor. Such a wonderful song, go give it a listen!


	2. Isak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grief isn’t about love, it’s about loss.

 

When you realise you’ll lose someone you genuinely love, everything stops functioning. You feel your heart tearing apart, your brain doesn’t seem to have control over your body any longer, you don’t even get to breathe properly, and you think so this is how it ends. 

 

 

 

**I.**

 

 _While laughing up a storm_  
_Until we were just bone_  
_Until it got so warm_  
_That none of us could sleep_

 

 

 

**May, 2018**

It wasn’t a fairytale. Isak’s life. He’s never gotten the easy way out of anything.

When he was six; Lea, his dog and one true friend, got lost and his dad didn’t bother enough to arrange a search party, Isak cried. A lot. If only he could’ve watched out more for Lea. That day probably remarked his first memories on crying. But then he met Jonas at school and ‘one true friend’ title got replaced in his new owner. It fitted well. 

When he turned thirteen, his mom locked herself in her bedroom and refused to come outside until his dad came back home from work. Apparently 13 was a bad number for Christians and he was cursed now. Isak didn’t understand much. His dad wasn’t doing better lately on understanding his mom as well so he was coming less and less home until one day he left completely. Isak left too, after that, he learned from the master after all. He learned better, much later, from one of the most caring people in the world, so he came back for his mom. He reconnected with her but his dad remained just a bank account for him. It didn’t hurt that much as before.

When he was a freshman at Nissen, deep in closet, he met Mathias, who was a freshman himself. He hated him. He hated his guts. He hated how he was openly gay and didn’t seem to have a care about what people thought of him. He hated how he got better grades than Isak without even trying as much as him. He hated it when he hit it off with Jonas real quick. He hated him even more when he liked him way too much on a very non-straight way. It all turned out it wasn’t much of an issue, for Isak to come out and be accepted by his loved ones and the rest didn’t bug him on a great scale with Mathias on his side.

Yes, Isak’s life wasn’t a fairytale and yes he’s never gotten the easy way out but it seemed like after a bit struggling, he was always able to breathe new fresh air over again. 

So it didn’t surprise him when Mathias’ oncologist came with the good news, after three-month chemotherapy treatment, his one and half year boyfriend was on his way to full recovery. Isak knew this shit, he did his own research.

_Acute Myeloid Leukaemia (AML-M2)_

_15-21 years -_

_Early death 2%_

_Remission 84%_

_Relapse 4%_

_Others 10%_

84%. It was a huge odd, not a miracle it worked out well. Science, it didn’t surprise Isak but he sighed in relief any way. Struggle first, fresh air second.

 

 

 

**II.**

 

 _And all the Styrofoam_  
_Began to melt away_  
_We tried to find some worms_  
_To aid in the decay_  
_But none of them were home_  
_Inside their catacomb_  
_A million ancient bees_  
_Began to sting our knees_

 

 

  

**September, 2018**

Mathias’ tone began to change towards Isak a month in of his discharge. Just after Isak’s birthday. Ine, his mom, said Mathias was still adjusting and a bit vulnerable at the time being and asked Isak to be more patient. Isak understood.

Isak understood when Mathias got jealous and accused him of not caring. He was feeling insecure after the treatment, hated his looks, hated not being able to satisfy his boyfriend’s needs, as one day he admitted.

Isak understood when Mathias claimed he was being clingy just because he had to repeat his last year in Oslo and Isak didn’t want to move to Bergen and study medicine there, as once that was their dream. Isak wasn’t being clingy, he just realised he couldn’t bare hospitals anymore, not after he’s seen his mother and his boyfriend suffer there. There surely must be more suitable professions for him in Oslo. Mathias didn’t understand, he’s been so distant lately.

The day in early August, when Isak was considering a break from their relationship, he got the news. Mathias was hospitalised again. Apparently his blood test results screened low levels and with fever, it meant emergency. Ine explained that he was in the intensive care unit now, on broad-spectrum antibiotics, that visitors weren’t allowed yet due to high risk of contamination, and that with everything going well, they would see him in a few days. 

Isak let the tears stream down. % _84 of patients go through full remission._ This wasn’t supposed to how it’d go. Isak knew this shit. _Fatigue, losing weight, bone pain. He knew the signs. %4 of the cases struggle with relapse._ Isak knew it all, he’d been just ignoring that, he was fucking thinking about breaking up with him, he felt sick.

He allowed himself one day, getting drunk and forgetting all. It seemed logical, Eskild and Jonas or any other didn’t seem to agree, he went out anyway, alone, his mobile was long dead in his pocket. He allowed himself just one day then put on his mask and turned back to hospital again morning after. Mathias passed away two weeks later. Maybe he would’ve lived if he hadn’t had a self-centered boyfriend who couldn’t even recognise his boyfriend’s symptoms earlier.

 

 

**Mathias**

**2 Sep, 11.54**

 

You said you didn’t want me to remember you all unattractive

you would never be

and I won’t

when I close my eyes I still see you laughing at my harsh comments

which have never gotten into you in the first place

when I was pretending to hate you

I always loved you but I think you already know that

 

**3 Sep, 09.08**

 

Woke up wishing it was all a nightmare

It wasn’t

I let you down I’m sorry

 

**4 Sep, 15.15**

 

Everyone at kollektivet tiptoeing around me, I guess they think I can cause an explosion and harm them all

 

**5 Sep, 19.01**

 

Eskild left a plate at my door right now

I can hear him retreat

Remember when he threatened you? 

Funny times, to think he could hurt a fly

He’s one of the most caring people I know

 

**7 Sep, 03.45**

 

Sorry for not writing you yesterday

Ine invited me to your funeral on Saturday and said it was always good to say goodbye and have your closure

I don’t know if I can make it

and you always said you hated seeing me cry so I’m sorry if you saw me yesterday

 

**8 Sep, 16.31**

 

I’m sorry I couldn’t come and ‘say goodbye’ to you

How can I face you?

I’m sorry I was such a bad boyfriend to you

You deserved better

 

**9 Sep, 12.42**

 

Your mom paid a visit to me today

She said she just wanted to check up on me

But I think she read the texts and now thinks I’m delusional

She said she deactivated your number last evening

**_Not delivered_ **

 

**10 Sep, 08.00**

 

I’m starting university today

I got an email saying I had to go to my lectures or they would suspend me

So wish me luck

_**Not delivered** _

 

 

 

**III.**

 

 _On the radio_  
_We heard November Rain_  
_That solo's really long_  
_But it's a pretty song_  
_We listened to it twice_  
_'Cause the DJ was asleep_

 

 

 

**September, 2020**

Isak was doing okay, after a while, he realised texting your deceased boyfriend clearly wasn’t considered as healthy and reduced it to occasional level. He started going out again; his first attempt was Eskild’s set-up which Isak ended up being stood up at a party and his second attempt only lasted a month, leaving him cheated on and more afraid of commitment but hey he was trying so he was doing okay.

When the calendar showed September 2nd, he went to visit Ine before biochemistry with Sana. She was his second mom at this point. She was probably the only one who could relate to Isak’s sorrow on a great scale, yet she didn’t understand why Isak wasn’t visiting Mathias’ grave.

 

**Mathias**

**09.53**

 

It’s been two years today

I thought I was doing okay, I WAS doing okay I was writing you less this year, I was meeting new people and living my life just like I promised you but I went to see your mom this morning, we just hugged and cried

I’m not doing okay, I just miss you

And I’m not a brave boy once you brought the best of anymore

Do you know I still can’t bring myself to visit your grave? Your mom asked me to and I said no. God I’m such a coward. Jonas says I should let you go

I know this is what you want too

I just don’t know how

 

He couldn’t believe his eyes once he saw he’s gotten a text from Mathias. It wasn’t him. Of course it wasn’t. He didn’t mean to answer, but he couldn’t get any sleep that night, so went and googled some shit, ended up crying; changed the contact name to Even, cried even more. This crying act was turning to a thing now, so he typed just that.

 

**Even**

**16.15**

 

This is Even. I’m so sorry for your loss.

I thought I was good with words but I really don’t know what else to say right now.

I’m a good listener, tho if you want to talk to a stranger with no judgmental remarks

It may help

 

**03.11**

 

Your text made me cry

This crying act turning to a thing now I guess

Not your text but the fact that his mobile company gave his number away

It’s just like all his marks in the world fading away and I can’t help it

I googled if I can sue but apparently all of this is legal

So don’t worry you’re safe

 

**08.26**

 

I’ll let you know one of my best friends studying law

So I’m always safe

 

When did you get this number? 

Were you receiving my texts all along?

 

I think around April or May?

I was going through a hard time and decided to change my number so I guess then

And I swear this is the first time I got your text

 

Okay then

 

 

That was it. The texting. Or it would be with anyone else but this guy, Even, was truly one of a kind.

 

 

**Even**

**10.53**

 

So be honest to a stranger

You can’t worry about hurting my feelings

Am I pathetic if I still can’t do my laundry at the age of 23?

 

Mhm it’s a pretty strong case

 

Damn you that red sock gotten in my whites!!!

 

Haha

I hope pink suits you

 

 

This is how it started, this is the story of how Even got into his life. He became Isak’s to-go person. Like a bird making its nest, Even made himself a place in Isak’s heart slowly but surely. Texting never stopped, after the infamous laundry incident. Teasing the other constantly, laughing at the stupid memes, talking about their days without any personal details. It was like a silent agreement between them, not sending selfies, not giving any information which would give the other a sense of who he was. _Defense mechanism,_ would say his mom’s psychiatrist, _you don’t want anyone to get close to you because you’re afraid of the outcome, you fear that you could lose them, so your subconcious built all these invisible walls._ Isak didn’t continue on the therapy.

Isak was never this happy in a long time. People started to take a notice, too. Sana was the first one. Of course, she was. She didn’t ask who it was, she just said, ‘I was this close to introducing you to a friend of my brother.’ Sana and his big heart.

One day, in the middle of the night, it was slipped that they were both from Oslo and since then Isak knew they were gonna meet up eventually. Isak hoped that wouldn’t change things.

 

***

 

It wasn’t a surprise, Even’s lowkey invite for a kebab. Gosh, that boy would better work on his subtlety but Even could never be manipulative if you ask Isak so he ceased Even’s struggle, cutting to the chase.

When they met, it took a moment for Isak to remember Even from a wasted August day. It was blurry, the details but Even seemed to enjoy how it turned out so much that Isak couldn’t resist enjoying himself.

 

**Even**

**23.23**

 

Shit

I didn’t thank you for the day

Even you did :O

I think you’re rubbing it off on me

 

Haha

No worries

 

I forgot to ask

You owe me an explanation!!

Why did you point at me and say ‘my boyfriend’ on the tram?

 

I honestly don’t remember

 

I’ve gotten into a lot of trouble just because of that and you don’t know?!

 

What can I say? I’m a pain in the ass while I’m drunk

 

That’s not enough

 

And you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me <3

 

That’s better <3

 

 

***

 

Isak was in love with Even, and he did make his peace with it. All the teasing turned into flirting, texts were long replaced with actual dates. It was nice. It felt easy. Love wasn’t the problem.

When Jonas asked jokingly, when he was gonna introduce his secret boyfriend to his best friend, Isak swallowed. _Boyfriend_.

He saw Mathias in his dream that day. Mathias said he was happy that Isak was happy. He said he was glad Isak was finally listening to his advice and found himself someone better than him. Isak felt sick. He texted Even. ‘Let’s meet in our park. I got beer.’

 

***

 

’So we can’t text each other until we meet?’ Even was setting the rules.

’That’s the point.’ answered Isak. He didn’t mean to make Even wait for him. It didn’t seem fair. _I’m a fucked up case, afraid of any kind of closeness and I don’t deserve happiness. Did I mention I suck the life out of everything I touch? Anyhow I’m trying to get better please wait for me._ It didn’t make much sense. But Even was full of hope so Isak believed him, wanted to.

‘But can I text you happy birthday?’

’You can wish me happy birthday when we meet, Even.’

’Okay but what if I get into an accident on my way here and have my arms broken can I ask a nurse at the hospital to text you then?’ 

‘You can, Even. Jesus.’ Isak laughed.

’Okay, I’ll have them text you then.’ Even laughed too. 

They messed around in the park until it started to pour down.

‘Don’t you think it’s a bit too much cliché?’ shouted Even at the sky with grey clouds.

’What are you on about?’ laughed Isak.

’ _I’ll end up walking in the cold November rain._ Come on?!’ Even’s mind was truly something beautiful.

 

 _Do you need some time on your own_  
_Do you need some time all alone_  
_Everybody needs some time on their own_  
_Don't you know you need some time all alone_

 

 

**IV.**

 

 _No, this is how it works_  
_You peer inside yourself_  
_You take the things you like_  
_And try to love the things you took_  
_And then you take that love you made_  
_And stick it into some_  
_Someone else's heart_  
_Pumping someone else's blood_

 

 

 

**June, 2021**

Isak was counting down the days. He was doing fine, he’d gotten used to the idea that there was no way to go back and do things differently. There was just a whole lot of self-hatred which didn’t help with any case.

Even kept his promise and didn’t text him. Isak didn’t either. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t missing him. He wanted to know how his film project went, he wanted to know if he learned to do his laundry, he wanted to know every single detail about him. So he counted down the days. _10 days._

 

***

 

 

**Ine Austad**

**13.46**

 

You know we were packing Mathias’ things for charity right?

I found a letter in his room signed for you

Would like to read it?

 

Coming now

 

***

 

Isak knew he couldn’t possibly meet Even without any progress, it was like whenever he was reminded of his loss, he was back being _a sad mess_. That was what his one-month boyfriend back in July had called him. He was right. When Isak caught him cheating he’d said Isak was always sentimental and boring, didn’t know how to have fun, he,the guy, couldn’t bother with this anymore, was just waiting for a good time to break up. Jonas had called him a cheating asshole but Isak found his accusations logical. Why should even anyone bother? But Even, his selfless Even, would wait for him, would try dealing with everything for him, he was too nice for his own good. He deserved happiness, all of it, if it was away from Isak, Isak would just let be. He needed to set Even free so he blocked his number on his birthday when they were supposed to meet. Even would let it go and move on with his life then.

 

***

 

On the three year anniversary of his death, Isak went to visit Mathias. 

 

Hi. It’s Isak. I was mad at you for a while. I think you can guess why. What was going on your mind? Did you think I was a kid and could not possibly handle it? Do you know how I blamed myself? For fucking years, Math! That if I was more observant and noticed the signs, you might have been still alive today. And turns out you knew all along and hid it from me. It wasn’t fucking fair to leave me in the dark. Your death shook me inside, I couldn’t even breathe, couldn’t even come to your funeral, felt like I wasn’t welcome there.

Sorry for cursing at your grave a moment ago, I know you had the good deeds. We always end up hurting the people we love the most by deciding in behalf of them and claim we were just watching over them. Who do we think we are? I realise it’s not fair. Everyone has the right to decide for themselves. 

I’ll live my life for me from now on. This is me letting you go now. Not because this is what you want or Jonas or anyone else, it is only because this is what I want.

 

This closure was overdue.

 

 

 

 

**V.**

 

 _And on the radio_  
_You hear November Rain_  
_That solo's awful long_  
_But it's a good refrain_  
_You listen to it twice_  
_'Cause the DJ is asleep_

 

 

 

**February, 2022**

He saw Even one day as he was walking over work. He quickened his steps to approach but ended up sliding off on an iced-street. When he stood up again, Even was nowhere to be seen. Maybe Isak was just daydreaming. His mind did tend to wander over Even lately. He’d unblocked his number a week after his birthday but Even never contacted him again. He was too considerate for his own good.

That day, after work, Isak went to the park to read his letter. He felt like he was ready now. The thing about grief, you don’t know how you’re going to feel okay again, there’s no prescription for you to take and snap out of it, or when you won’t need to convince yourself you’re not suffocating, just one day you realise you aren’t, not anymore.

 _Yours, Even_ that was how he signed the letter. Isak wanted to ask ‘Are you still mine?’ Was Isak allowed to contact Even now, after all this time? What was the procedure here? What if he was in a happy, committed relationship? Because that was what Isak wanted for him. _Don’t wait for me, don’t let me bring you down, go and be happy._ Would Isak ruin it for Even by showing up? Isak left the park wet and covered in mud, Even’s letter safely in his pocket and hundreds of questions on his mind.

 

***

 

**Eskild**

**12.30**

 

Baby gay

 

I’m turning 23 this year

 

Any way

Do you want to go on a double date with me, Elias and his friend on Saturday

 

No I’m good

Wait is it the same guy who stood me up at the party

Seriously the fuck Eskild??

 

It was two years ago

Let go

His film studio is a five-minute walk from your lab

It’s convenient

Think about the possible quickies ;)

 

Fuck off

 

But really

This Even guy is cool

 

Wait

his name is Even and he works in a film studio??

What does he look like

 

Tall, blond

Like most of the guys in Norway

 

Do you have any pics of him?

 

I think there should be from Elias’ birthday party

I’ll show you when I come back home

I would have mentioned quickies before if I knew they would get you this interested

 

***

 

Isak loved his job. Isak loved it a lot but he couldn’t wait that week to come to an end. _3 days more._

And the moment he saw Even at the door of the restaurant, he couldn’t wait for him to come sit next to him and never leave his side again. Isak never would. Not anymore. He looked over Even again and once their eyes meet, he smiled.

 

 _I know that you can love me_  
_When there's no one left to blame_  
_So never mind the darkness_  
_We still can find a way_  
_'Cause nothing lasts forever_  
_Even cold November rain_

 

 ***

 

When you realise you’ll lose someone you genuinely love, everything stops functioning. You feel your heart tearing apart, your brain doesn’t seem to have control over your body any longer, you don’t even get to breathe properly, and you think so this is how it ends.

This is how I feel right now. I’m gonna lose you, I’m gonna lose my parents, I’m gonna lose my fucking life and I’m fucking terrified, Isak. I don’t know what to do. 

I fainted last week, I didn’t want to tell you because it was your birthday and everyone deserves to be happy on their birthday. And it could be nothing, so I went to doctor on my own. It could be nothing, but it wasn’t. My blood results are going down. My oncologist said early relapse is a bad sign, everyone knows what it means when even your doctor can’t tell you two hopeful words.

I think I’ll keep this from you as long as I can, I don’t want your pity, I don’t want you to tiptoe around me like I’m a fucking fragile object. My mom promised me not to tell you, I made her, please don’t be mad.

And I’m sorry I’ve been snapping at you a lot lately, I think I hope you would just leave me, find someone else and be happy. It would make things easier. I want you to hate me, like really hate me, not pretend as in when we were first year schoolers.

I’ll probably toss this letter away later, you won’t even read it, I don’t know why I’m still writing. I just wanted to say I love you, so fucking much. I can’t bare to see you cry and know that I’m the cause of it. I’m sorry I’m being selfish. But it will pass, Isak, all the pain, it will pass, like everything else. I know you’ll find someone who deserves you and treats you right. I know there’s a bright future in front of you. I’ll be watching far away and I’ll be proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the same song, but different parts, for Isak’s chapter because Isak and Even, they complete each other and I’m cheesy like that.
> 
> Also you should check out the lyrics of ‘November Rain’ by Guns N’ Roses.


End file.
